First — it is with gratitude and a little sense of sadness that I say goodbye to my practice’s Master-level intern of this last year. Haley Fielder is one of those individuals who entered into training having already experienced life challenges and honed some valuable counseling skills as a result. It was so enjoyable to work with her and now that she has graduated, I look forward to being able to refer clients to Haley Fielder LMHC-Associate wherever her future career travels take her. Haley, may all of your grandest dreams come true (and I’m looking forward to Sunday visits)!
Next, a little article I recently stumbled upon at the Gottman Institute site that’s perfect for anyone who is struggling within a relationship of any kind. For some, the piece “4 Mindful Listening Principles to Better Navigate Conflict” will be a basic refresher, and some will find these principles life-changing.
Finally – Welcome Autumn! My favorite time of the year, with all of its transitions, will see me honoring my own self-care and relational needs with visits from family and friends. I hope the season’s changes bring you good things, too.
This time of year often makes our pre-existing pains loom larger, sometimes to the point of feeling overwhelmed by sadness. If you’ve been “dealing with grief” in the usual ways (you know, “the 5 Stages of Grief” etc…) — Now is the time to upgrade your tools.
Did you know that the person who came up with those “5 Stages” was really talking about the experience for the dying, and not what it’s like to be a grieving survivor? It’s yet another example of how our consumer society took a complex psychological topic and over-simplified it to the point of not just being off-track but even destructive.
How many people have talked with me about feeling like they ‘must be broken’ because those “5 Stages” don’t seem to happen in order, or come along at all, or feel never-ending…
If you’ve lost loved ones, you know that Grief Does NOT End. But how do we keep going if that’s true (and it is…)?
First, above all, remain open to new ideas about Grieving. Even “experts” are simply humans who have made the time and paid the prices to study something a lot. Not just regarding Grief, but virtually all psychological ideas should be held lightly with a dose of skepticism, even when they ring true to our minds. Just give it all another decade or two, and you’ll see how new thoughts shift research, and vice versa.
Next, as for grieving itself, try this up-and-coming perspective: Grief is a lifelong process that changes shape over time and can enrich our lives.
More than simply a rote list of how-to-heal tips, Edelman explains how the concept of “Grief” was created and changed by society and culture – and how that then impacts those of us who are grieving and our expectations.
Edelman proposes that there only 2 “stages of grief”: “…the one where you feel really bad, and the one where you start feeling better.” She calls this second stage “the AfterGrief,” saying it extends for the rest of our lives.
Her work here is an excellent example of social constructionist psychology, a theoretical perspective that heavily informs my own psychotherapy practice.
If you’d like to dive a bit deeper into the social construction of grieving, here’s a 20-minute long interview on HealGrief.orgwith Robert Neimeyer PhD, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and someone at the forefront of re-shaping our understanding of grief and meaning.
Importantly, all students of grief and grieving agree that it is best done with others. Whether that’s a formal or informal group of peers, psychotherapy, or simply a personal confidante or two, the human species is wired to connect to others in our temporary existence.
Here’s to achieving post-loss growth and deepening peace, for all.
If you’ve worked with me, you know how I tend to invite exploration into words we use and the meanings we assign to them. It’s a bit like unraveling fabric to see the threads of origin. Sometimes I refer to writings that spark this kind of imaginative exploration. Sometimes, these idea sources seem far from the realms of psychology and emotional wellness.
Recently, the source was an article in the business magazine, Inc. While I may quibble on how the headline oversimplifies some complexities (since I spent decades being a copywriter, I forgive a lot of media foibles – I remember how hard it was to be creative in rigid environments…), the idea presented here is valuable.
Besides, the author also quotes Brene Brown (not just billionaire Richard Branson.)
My curiosity is usually piqued when I encounter comparisons of things that might seem unrelated on the surface and that are also foundationally connected – as with the ideas of Vulnerability and Integrity.
The article is brief, so read over it if you’re also intrigued.
The first two points made in the piece: Yes, fair enough. Not really new, right?
It’s the third point that had my mind wandering in a labyrinth. Here’s how it went:
The author uses Branson’s way of being to describe the importance of vulnerability in leadership, then moves on to the real expert in vulnerability (Brene Brown) to deconstruct this idea further, helping us readers out with a simplified How-to on increasing our own practice of vulnerability.
How-to Point Number 3 is “Commit to your promises” – a hallmark of Integrity.
Again, I move quickly over a speed bump sentence (“It’s usually a reflection of character” is an overly harsh and final judgment in my world of mind…), but am drawn into the notion that there’s a missing piece here, an unwritten requirement. It’s like a bread recipe that left out the leavening.
If a person seeks to commit to their promises, they must (as the article does spell out finally) not take their own word lightly.
Think about all of the emotional wellness pieces that go together for this puzzle to be whole. If I do not take my word lightly, I must feel both safe enough to offer my authentic opinion or stance, while also feeling a sense that things will be okay when I put it out there. And I must feel like I will inherently be okay even if I say ‘No’… Otherwise, if I am stopped cold by my fears of what could happen if I say ‘No’ – chances are good that, at least some times and possibly often, I will say ‘Yes’ even when I don’t mean it. In short, in order to maintain my integrity, I must consider my “Yes” and “No” carefully in all kinds of communications. To do that well, I must have a sense of safety about my word, about my self – even in precarious situations. To say “Yes” with authenticity, I must be able to say “No.” Are you fully free to say “No” in your various relationships? If not – why not? Developing and nurturing a strong sense of self can enable us to say yes and no with authenticity – and live lives of integrity – almost regardless of the external factors (such as how others think or behave.)
It’s likely been a rough week for you and those around you. Besides constant streams of news, you’re probably being bombarded with emails from all kinds of companies and organizations letting you know what they are doing to handle this current public health situation. Me, too.
I want to offer another window to see through… It is possible that some “good things” might come from this experience. I’m not dismissing what it feels like/seems like right now. And I also think the best things that might come in the near future from this distressing event depend a whole lot on our intentional, conscious use of the moment.
This idea struck me yesterday after opening yet another email from some company saying that they care so much for their consumers, and here’s how they’re demonstrating that concern… While, yes, these businesses are doing so partly to keep their business going, it’s also been kind of nice to hear so many expressions of “We’re all in this thing together.” There’s never been quite enough of that thought in this world.
So I added these thoughts to my own coping toolbox.
When I start to feel the tension in my neck, shoulders, and back that reflects my mind’s anxiety, I do a few things to restore myself to immune-boosting/restoring relative calm. I invite you to join me:
Imagine each emailed expression of solidarity with humanity as genuine. Take 3 seconds to conjure up images of actual people discussing and then writing those emails. Repeat any words to myself that are calming — things like “We’re going to get through this together. Yes.”
If you wish to add a very brief meditative practice to your immunity-building activities, try this — you can do this virtually anywhere, no need to find any special kind of place or time:
Pull your vision away from any screen that may be in front of you. Let your gaze gently turn toward the ground, but keep your head erect.
Straighten your posture by imagining the very top of your head is connected to the sky and being gently lifted upward. Move your shoulders down and slightly back, causing your chest to rise and move forward a little.
If possible, flatten your feet (in shoes or not) to the ground. If not possible, at least try to uncross your legs and feet, and wiggle your toes.
If possible, raise your arms briefly over your head and reach for the sky. If not, straighten your arms in front of you or down your sides, focusing on opening your hands wide, stretching your fingers. Then release your hands and arms.
While you are doing the above slow, light, gentle movements, take a few slow, deep breaths and think to yourself:
This is a moment in time. And here is another one. And another one.
End your “session” (there’s no magic amount of time — do it as long as you want/can) by thinking to yourself:
We’re all learning to be human, together.
If you feel an immediate sense of dismissive scoffing (“This is BS. This won’t change a thing”), just let the thought be there and then drift away, maybe with a little “mm hm” and a friendly pat to your own head.
And Also…
“Out of an abundance of caution” (there’s a phrase I’ve never heard more in my life than in the past 2 weeks), my Houston office colleagues have instituted some protective policies for our clients. You’ll find it on the wall when you come into the office, or you can download it here. And if you’re seeing me at my office in The Woodlands, feel free to take similar actions (like washing your hands when you arrive), but we haven’t hung the policy on the wall there.
If you have a session scheduled in the next two weeks, please look in your email for a Client Portal link to a document called “In Case of an Emergency During Video or Phone Sessions (Telehealth)” — If you choose to reschedule your in-person session to make it by video or phone, I’m asking that you read over and complete the form before your session. It’s not related to the current public health situation, but is a state requirement of any health care professional (including mental health) to have clients complete such a form.
My favorite season was always autumn. Partly because I’m not a fan of summer’s heat, and partly because of the beautifully colorful images that I (along with all the other kids growing up on the Gulf Coast) saw represented by books, TV, movies… It didn’t really matter that those images virtually never looked like our reality. We wore those first sweaters of the season defiantly. And sweated.
I often talk with clients about the movies we play in our heads, about the way we saw things and the ways we wished we’d seen them. We talk a lot about how our lives’ past events impact our present and how we might change those images in our minds to bring about futures that we prefer. It’s not easy. Sometimes it seems like a fool’s errand. But the first time it works for us — the moment we experience a realization that’s more than just intellectual, an all-over body sense (or maybe even just a few parts, like a letting down at the back of our neck or our collarbone or our abdomen) — that’s when we know that, truly, there is some kind of magic in our heads that we can make intentional use of, for the better.
At some point in my growth, I decided that I actually prefer the season of spring, at least here where we live. The promise of fall as presented in the stories I read and saw… never panned out down here. Oh, I still get very excited (some of you heard me recently celebrating the coming of October) just in case it finally happens. But I’ve become much better about recognizing and then embracing reality. And spring on the Gulf Coast is (almost) always what it’s cracked up to be.
On that note: I will be celebrating the final quarter of the year (aka “autumn” and start of “winter”) by taking an extra day off each week. I’ll continue to be in The Woodlands office on Mondays & Wednesdays, and will be in Houston on Sundays & Thursdays. You might find it harder to squeeze an appointment into the new schedule — I will be posting cancellation-related openings on my Facebook page, and encouraging you to schedule farther in advance. You can always cancel later, if you wish (just be sure to let me know the day before your session.)
I hope you find the realities in your life that are celebration-worthy. And enjoy the weather!
