Category: Finding Community

Constructing Reality & Healing From Grief

In Finding Community, Holidays, Our Narratives, Resilience, This is Life

This time of year often makes our pre-existing pains loom larger, sometimes to the point of feeling overwhelmed by sadness. If you’ve been “dealing with grief” in the usual ways (you know, “the 5 Stages of Grief” etc…) — Now is the time to upgrade your tools.

Did you know that the person who came up with those “5 Stages” was really talking about the experience for the dying, and not what it’s like to be a grieving survivor? It’s yet another example of how our consumer society took a complex psychological topic and over-simplified it to the point of not just being off-track but even destructive.

How many people have talked with me about feeling like they ‘must be broken’ because those “5 Stages” don’t seem to happen in order, or come along at all, or feel never-ending…

If you’ve lost loved ones, you know that Grief Does NOT End. But how do we keep going if that’s true (and it is…)?

First, above all, remain open to new ideas about Grieving. Even “experts” are simply humans who have made the time and paid the prices to study something a lot. Not just regarding Grief, but virtually all psychological ideas should be held lightly with a dose of skepticism, even when they ring true to our minds. Just give it all another decade or two, and you’ll see how new thoughts shift research, and vice versa.

Next, as for grieving itself, try this up-and-coming perspective: Grief is a lifelong process that changes shape over time and can enrich our lives.

You can read part of Hope Edelman’s book “The AfterGrief” here, but I also really recommend listening to the interview with her recorded in 2020. (It’s only 10 minutes long!)

More than simply a rote list of how-to-heal tips, Edelman explains how the concept of “Grief” was created and changed by society and culture – and how that then impacts those of us who are grieving and our expectations.

Edelman proposes that there only 2 “stages of grief”: “…the one where you feel really bad, and the one where you start feeling better.” She calls this second stage “the AfterGrief,” saying it extends for the rest of our lives.

Her work here is an excellent example of social constructionist psychology, a theoretical perspective that heavily informs my own psychotherapy practice.

If you’d like to dive a bit deeper into the social construction of grieving, here’s a 20-minute long interview on HealGrief.org with Robert Neimeyer PhD, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and someone at the forefront of re-shaping our understanding of grief and meaning.

Importantly, all students of grief and grieving agree that it is best done with others. Whether that’s a formal or informal group of peers, psychotherapy, or simply a personal confidante or two, the human species is wired to connect to others in our temporary existence.

Here’s to achieving post-loss growth and deepening peace, for all.

Unplugging Helps Me Refocus

In Finding Community, Resilience, Self Care, Support Groups, This is Life, Uncategorized

Back from a very long road trip (just about 5,000 miles), I returned feeling refreshed. The drive itself was eventful — my first experience in a major dust storm (me & hundreds of others hunkered down on a major highway for 4 hours), plus a day’s driving carefully through mountainous terrain surrounded by thick smoke from wildfires. My dog (who is a champion traveler!) and I were thrilled to see family after 8 months of quarantining, tested out many a motel bed, and enjoyed chatting with strangers all along the route in rest stops and convenience stores. Masked all the way.

The weeks away from my home/office brought into sharper focus one of my deepest values: time.

It helps that I am a person who enjoys my own company and that I have a faithful canine companion who offers affection and fun. Also, working remotely has given me and many others the ability to continue offering therapy services while looking out of different windows at varied landscapes. I know that I am lucky, and my gratitude is huge.

I like to bring lessons from my time-off back to “regular” life. This go’round, the lesson is about Time itself. So, I’m adjusting my hours of availability to reflect the positive impact of having more open time in my life. Starting in October, I will be offering hours as late as 6:30pm only on Mondays and Wednesdays. If you find scheduling a session challenging, just get in touch with me or my assistant Darbi, and we’ll work together to figure it out.

I encourage you to continually explore what it is you value most in living, and then take steps to bring those values to life with your choices.

On a slightly related note: I want to let everyone know about a new community support group that is forming. It’s for anyone who experiences Dissociative moments and would like to feel free to speak openly with others who “get it.” The group — which is virtual — will be peer-led by a dear colleague, Karrie Hardin, MT-BC, NMT, who is both a mental health professional and a person who experiences dissociation. If you would like to find out more, please see this flyer with contact info and other details. The Dissociation Association – flyer

My, How Quickly Things Change. Again.

In Finding Community, Madness, Psychotherapy, Resilience, Self Care, This is Life

Because I am moving to another state, I am unable to take new clients until July 2021. After the move, I will still be licensed in the state of Texas and, therefore, able to continue to seeing any clients who understand and agree to see me by video or phone only.

For the time being, I will only be seeing clients remotely — that is, by video or phone (your choice). My hours remain the same, and you can still schedule our conversations in the usual ways: by texting/emailing/calling me or my assistant, Darbi, or through the online scheduling calendar.

During our sessions, this is where I’ll usually be:

Of special interest to some of you: My colleagues at Affordable Counseling Collaborative Associates are also available for your lower-cost counseling needs. You’ll find them through the link to their site.

Stay safe and healthy, and flex your emotional management muscles!

New Windows to Gaze Through

In Finding Community, Psychotherapy, This is Life, Uncategorized

Have you noticed that I get bored easily? That’s not really accurate — truth is, I want to experience more than I think any one place can offer. But it sure might seem like I “just can’t stay put”! I hope you’ll reap the benefits of my ongoing search for experiences.

New Houston Office

Some of my Houston clients have had the opportunity to visit in more than one of my office rooms at The Spectrum. Now, as of February, I’ll be in the same room each day — but at a different address: My new Houston office will be located at 3707 Graustark #4, Houston, 77006. We’ll be able to take advantage of the sunlight streaming through century-old windows in this original 4-plex in Montrose, just across Alabama Street from the University of St Thomas and down the way from the Menil Museum. (This office location might make for ideal pre- or post-session date-nights or self-soothing excursions!)

I’ll be sharing #4 with dear colleagues, Sarah & Skeetz, and I’ll be re-adding Tuesdays to my availability. Starting on February 2, you can schedule with me in Houston on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

Affordable Counseling

You may already be acquainted with this project of mine and with my February move, Houston clients will be seen in the new main office of Affordable Counseling Collaborative Associates. In fact, Skeetz Edinger is one ACCA’s counselors, also seeing clients in The Woodlands plus on Graustark Street. Our other therapists are located around Houston and in south Harris and Galveston Counties. If you know people who would like to talk with a counselor but are unable to afford it, please give them ACCA’s phone number (601) 533-8255 where our Administrative Assistant will answer their questions and help them find affordable counseling.

Meet Darbi Lockridge

Speaking of ACCA’s Admin Assistant — you may have already met her when trying to schedule a session with me. Darbi Lockridge assists me in responding to calls, emails, and texts, so I can be sure that everyone who tries to contact me can hear back from someone as soon as possible. Darbi has many years experience working with people from all walks and circumstances, and her natural compassion shines through all of her busy life’s activities. I hope you’ll feel perfectly comfortable interacting with Darbi for your scheduling needs, and she knows when any situation requires contacting me directly.

Now, let’s get this Decade started!

Looking for Signs of Growth

In Finding Community, Meditation, Psychotherapy, Self Care

Have you ever heard me remark about “bringing hindsight forward”? I know it’s not quite Spring yet, but I’m already taking time to reflect on future growth. How might any of these happenings interact with your world?

Another Day, Another Office

As promised, I’m now in the Houston office 3 days each week — Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. If you have a chance to come on different days, you’ll have the added benefit of new scenery each time! I’m in a different room in the Spectrum Center every day of the week, and each one has a unique feel — here’s a shot of my brand new Tuesday room.

Meditation In The Woodlands

We’re just a few weeks away from the start of Meditation for Regular People in The Woodlands. If you’ve let me know you’re interested, or if you’re just now thinking about it, please feel free to join us on Wednesday mornings — starting on February 27 — at 9:20am. For more information on this class, see this previous blogpost. I’ll send you a list of all the scheduled dates when you RSVP.

Each 30-minute class is only $10, and there will be as much ‘learning about’ meditation as actual practice. I promise you will not be required to sit silently, eyes closed, legs crossed on the floor, for half an hour!

AIDS Walk

Some of you know that I used to be a social worker and spent several years as a family case manager for AIDS Foundation Houston. It was a hugely meaningful time of my life that I continue to draw upon for inspiration. This coming March 3, my colleagues from Affordable Counseling Collaborative Associates are joining together as a walk-team to continue the efforts at supporting AIDS-related organizations. HIV and AIDS are still with us, and are preventable and treatable. If you want to learn more about one of the largest fundraising walks in the country, visit http://aidswalkhouston.org.

Family Values & The Difference Between Politics and Humanity

In Children, Finding Community, Resilience

Therapists are trained and advised to steer clear of open political discussion for many reasons. However, the current situation in the United States — of children being separated from their families and held in detention centers — is one that warrants comment from all people.

Regarding the possibility of media spin: I have heard from trusted colleagues who’ve witnessed first-hand the situation. With confidence in their reports, here are my thoughts:

I began my studies of families — the development of human beings, the impact & influence of culture on parenting practices, and the things that lead to emotional wellness of individuals and family groups — in the 1970s. While there is no one (or even two or three) “right way” to care for children, or raise a family, there are a few points that are unquestionable. One of the most crucial is regarding the key connections between the caregiver-child bond and the child’s emotional health. Many times, I find myself hearing stories from clients of all ages (and perhaps especially those in middle-age or older) who are still experiencing results of disrupted caregiver-child bonds. The emotional pain experienced by young children who are being separated from caregivers has what we call a ‘formative impact’ — the pain of that situation is so intense and occurs at such a crucial developmental period in the child’s brain, it will necessarily curve how that individual begins to experience the rest of their life.

By intentionally putting these children and their families in these separation situations, we as a country are setting up the very scenarios that can create a tsunami of mental illness.

It is very important to reflect for just a minute from a trained perspective on the educational, professional, and other backgrounds of the people who are making and carrying out these decisions. It is quite possible in this country to become extremely successful as a professional and financially “at the top of the food chain” without ever knowing much at all about typical human development. In fact, the bulk of what we understand about human emotional wellness has been learned in just the past century — before that, folk tales prevailed, stories of “how things should be” passed down from generation to generation, virtually all without any factual basis other than anecdotal evidence. In short, the people who have been the most successful (in terms of financially-based power in this country) have never had a reason to know much about the optimal developmental needs of humans. And so, they have not and do not. And they act accordingly.

This is not a political issue. This is one of the most seriously detrimental symptoms of what can happen when uninformed people use politics as an excuse to act inhumanely. I invite my professional colleagues to join me in speaking out — take the risks, whatever it is you fear, and position yourself on a continuum of belief in treating others humanely. I stand with the emotional well-being needs of humans.

New Year, Happy or Not

In Finding Community, Holidays, This is Life

This essay was originally published on a blog of mine from a few years ago, when I was taking something of a geographical sabbatical and had moved to a place very different from my hometown of Houston.
You may have noticed that it’s standard protocol for helping professionals to avoid sharing much of their personal life in public, and especially to keep under wraps any life events that might be viewed as “other than” a particular version of socially optimal. But I think that such choices — to offer up only those versions of ourselves that are scrubbed of the things that all humans go through — only promotes the division between “expert” and “client.” And that’s not how I practice. I offer the following up in honor of new beginnings, which almost always unroll after struggles.

“Well, here’s to a new, BETTER year ahead!”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
“I hear ya, sister. It’s got to be…”
“Can’t be much worse, right?”
“Yeah. This year has to be better. This last one was really bad.”
Nods and affirmative mumbles all around…

I sat at the wobbly wooden table, peering into the styrofoam cup at my iced tea dregs, wondering what to say, and knowing that I couldn’t echo their sentiments. So I didn’t.

I didn’t say anything, in fact, as I looked around the weekly gathering of friends who all, apparently, had just experienced a really rough year. At least it’s good they were looking forward with some hope, even if it came off the tongue with a sort of dread in the lilt.

I didn’t offer up that my year had been pretty damned grand. It only took me a few decades to wise up and know when it’s just cruel to utter positive thoughts. Besides, explaining to a group of relative strangers how a year such as my own could be labeled “grand” would take a lot of energy. It’s just not so good to get your forehead stamped with “Ignore This Crazy Woman’s Ramblings” during your first year of residence. Better to wait until they’re convinced you’re really an Okay Gal first, then lay the crazy on ’em.

A few days later, I’m prepping to take Burb Dawg on what might just be the Time Of His Life — camping in the cold — or what could possibly be One Big Lesson In Dog Camping for me. And in between the tent rolling and coffee packin’, I’m reading RevEl’s latest. I’m reading her approach to the time-honored New Year’s Resolution tradition (a game I’ve always found utterly ridiculous; probably manufactured by marketing copywriters), and I’m likin’ her educating us on Janus/January and how He was granted the gift of seeing backwards and forwards, and how we can be standing in the
metaphorical doorway that is really just a turn of the page on the Western Art calendar hanging on my pantry door, looking backwards, looking forwards…

And I started to cry.

No, no, not tears of the Auld Lang Syne variety. Not even weeping from the joy of Holy Cow There’s Nothing But Glory Ahead Of Me. It was more like Yet Another A-ha Moment Revealing Another Possible Reason Why I’m Out In The Sticks kinda cryin’.

Those A-ha’s are damned relieving, if nothing else. I mean, I may be staring down a task that looks about as meaningful as avoiding the deer poop in my field, but at least I’m seeing something. And down goes the left shoulder with that breath out. Aaahhhh. Aha.

Last year at this time, I had no idea that I would be leaving The Swamp for the first time. I wasn’t exactly sold on anything happening, in truth, because that’s just the way I think. Pondering possibilities is what keeps me waking up every day. Nobody in their right or wrong mind could’ve convinced me that I’d be takin’ my Burb-raised, middle-class, metaphysics-lovin’, out-of-the-box-thinkin’, Buddhist butt out to live among people who appear quite nearly the opposite of me in a lot of fundamental ways. But here I am, and some folks already know that I felt pulled or pushed, or that maybe I even floated over here, without really knowing why. I keep my eyes and ears open for clues, but mostly I let the silence wrap around me tight enough to hear my heart.

My heart hears people out here who feel forgotten. The world is moving beyond their reach while they hold tightly to what they were always told — by people who love them, mind you — was right and good. The ambience of fear and fortitude was the first thing that hit me. Now I’m feeling their sadness and sense of abandonment.

They’re just like me. Apart from appearin’ quite nearly the opposite…

So, I’ve changed my “permanent” address, even on my driver’s license (thanks, young Mr. Trooper, for that warning). I’ll continue to sit in as just another jester in the weekly happy-hour court at the Grill. I’ll let them get more glimpses of how much like them I am.

Eventually, I’ll let them see how crazy good all of this really is…

When “Happy Holidays!” Doesn’t Ring True

In Finding Community, Holidays, Self Care, Self Help

Lots of people feel left out at this time of year, for lots of reasonable reasons.

Harsh memories of the past can be haunting.
Disappointments about the present can feel insurmountable.
The idea of a New Time approaching, full of hope and possibility, can seem quite Pollyanna-ish and naively unrealistic.
Maybe it just doesn’t feel like your own beliefs fit in with the dominant culture around you.

The pressure to focus in on Family often seems overwhelming this time of year. And if your own family is very different than you expected, or if you feel disconnected from the people who were or are ‘supposed to be’ your family, the messages from everything and everyone around you to can add up to a looming sense of being The Odd Person Out.

Does it help, even just a little, to know that not only are you not alone with these feelings, but that there are millions of people who feel very similarly, right now?

A few tips on helping yourself get through this time of year:

Comfort Yourself

Make a project of finding out what makes you feel comfy, inside and out. Take a few ideas from others — you know, the usuals like comfort foods and restful activities — and experiment to see which ones actually work for you. If any of them don’t add up to providing you with a sense of calm well-being (even if just a little bit,) don’t waste time, energy, or money on it any longer. Find some new comfort-bringing things. If you have any pleasant memories, those can often provide you with ideas.

Find Your Tribe

Knowing that there are millions of others who don’t feel connected with “the holidays,” think about ways you might reach out and meet them, if not now, at some point later. Could it be that there are people a whole lot like you right around the corner? And if it’s a matter of your living in a locale that seems hostile to your beliefs and ideas, the internet and social media can be a revealing, informative source for finding others with whom you click. Considering how vulnerable and even unsafe it can seem to let others know how you really feel this time of year, think about the strong possibility that someone out there could say, “Right? Me, too!”

Re-author Your Story

While our culture has built up around the concept of “new beginnings” that start at a certain point on any given calendar, the truth is that we’ve never stopped — and we’re barely even aware that we ever started — writing our own narrative of living. Think of your existence as a story, and you could be on your way to editing it in ways that you never considered before, for upcoming episodes or chapters that you prefer. And even if you hate actual writing, you can find other ways to tell your story — to a friend, into a recording device, or to a mental health practitioner. Sometimes, the re-telling of our narratives can help us re-author the continuing story in ways we never imagined before…

So, instead of wishing you “happy holidays” — let’s change it up to